fredag 15 september 2017

How to Communicate with Your Mate About the Tough Stuff: Jealousy


By Susie and Otto Collins 

Joe's wife, Kristi, has a jealousy problem and he's had enough. It seems that every single day there is new drama in their marriage...generated by her. 

It's often the same turn of events. Joe comes home a little late because he's been tied up at work or maybe he needs a little time to unwind after a long day, so he stops for a drink with a co-worker. 

Then, when Joe does arrive home, it seems like he's always greeted with accusations and interrogations. Joe wants to know how to talk with Kristi about her jealousy before it's too late for their marriage.

When it comes to jealousy, talking with your partner in a way that doesn't tear you further apart can be really tricky. 

It may be obvious to you that your mate has a problem. The number of times that he or she has flown off the handle and accused you of flirting, looking at others or even having an affair may be too many to count. 

On the other hand, if you are the one who tends to get jealous, it may be obvious to you that your partner is the one with the problem.

Perhaps, from your point of view, he or she truly is a flirt and sometimes even talks, looks at or touches others in ways that you find inappropriate. 

What's your perspective? 
When it comes to jealousy, your perspective can truly alter what you see. It can mean the difference between words or actions being innocent and "no big deal" OR them being suspicious and betraying.

This is really important to remember as you set about to communicate about jealousy in a way that helps you and your partner move closer together. 

Try to move beyond the question of who's right and who's wrong. 

You are certainly experiencing a situation in a particular way and your mate is probably experiencing the same situation differently. 

In order for the two of you to be able to talk about what you each want and to create agreements you both can stick with, it's vital that you remind yourself that your perspective is not the only
perspective of what's going on. 

Does this mean that you have to just sit there silently while, for example, your boyfriend so clearly checks out an attractive woman who walks by? 

Of course not. 

What it means is that instead of yelling around about it or storming off, you make a clear and, as calm as possible, choice about what you'll do next. 


Man Kissing Woman's Right Hand

Speak honestly and about your feelings. The next time that Joe comes home late to an irate wife, he does something out of the ordinary. 

He hears her litany of questions... "Where were you? How do I know you were really at work? When will you learn to treat me with respect and call me when you'll be late?"

Then, Joe tells Kristi that he's going to take a few moments by himself and then he'd like to talk with her about this whole situation. 

She is surprised, because this is not Joe's usual reaction, which is to yell back at her that she needs to just trust him and stay out of his business. 

During this time alone, Joe takes some deep breaths and calms down. When he steps back from his own perspective for a moment, he can understand why Kristi would be upset and even feel jealous and worried. 

Joe returns to Kristi and apologizes for being late and for his habit of not calling to let her know his plans. He then opens up and shares with her how sad he feels about the tension and conflict between them lately. 

He tells her that knows that he's not easy to live with and that he feels trapped and boxed in when Kristi lays in on him with accusations and interrogations. 

Together, Joe and Kristi begin to sort through how they each feel. A greater understanding of where they are both coming from results. 

There is no magic cure for jealousy. 

But, when you can begin to own and communicate honestly about your emotions and you take responsibility for your share in the habits that are driving you two apart, magical things can happen. 

Choose words that reflect your experience of the situation. Do not label your partner's experience or guess what he or she wants or is feeling. 

You can always ask questions to get more information about what's happening for him or her. 

For example, Joe says to Kristi, "I get really angry when you automatically assume that I'm sleeping around with another woman because I get home late. But, I wonder if you are afraid that that's exactly what I'm doing when I don't call. Is that true for you?"

When you ask a question, be sure you really listen to your mate's response. Even if you don't agree with his or her perspective, you might be able to better understand what's going on for him or her when you do. 

From this place of listening and sharing honestly, you and your partner can create agreements that will help you to overcome jealousy, bolster trust and begin to move closer together. 
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Would you like more help overcoming jealousy in your relationship?

We have tips and advice for those who are jealous and those who are with a jealous partner in our FREE mini-course. Click here to sign up now.

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