People have different desires for the intellect of their partners. Some people want to be in a relationship with someone who is their intellectual peer while others want to feel smarter than their partner. Still others like to look up to someone who is smarter than they are.
Jaclyn had her master’s degree in Special Education and was a master teacher at a local high school. She taught future teachers at the university part time as well.
Robert was an electrician who had a 12th grade education and an apprenticeship following high school. While he had business and street smarts, he wasn’t particularly intellectual.
Whenever the disparity in education came up, Robert liked to point out to Jaclyn that despite her additional years at the university, he still made twice what she did.
If Robert and Jaclyn are going to succeed long term, they have to come to grips with the fact that they have different kinds of intellect and that they can value the ways in which the other is smart.
Do you put strong value on your emotions? If you do, this may be an area of compatibility to consider.
Jon made decisions based on “gut feelings.” He once quit a job because he knew “instinctively” that he and the new manager would not get along. He liked spontaneous activities. Jon’s idea of an ideal vacation would be to set out on a road trip with no destination in mind.
Then he met Donna, who was so methodical that she worked blow drying her hair into the calendar on the iPhone she carried everywhere. When faced with a big decision, she would agonize over it for days or even weeks making lists of the “pros” and the “cons.”
Jon and Donna had a long way to go in blending their emotional personalities in their relationship. Jon was an emoter while Donna was tighter with her feelings. Jon could say “I love you” a lot sooner in the relationship than could Donna.
While it seems on the surface that Jon has more emotional needs, Donna may have the more significant issues. Her emotional needs are screened behind defenses that make her less vulnerable.
Donna was able to be freer in her feelings through Jon’s love and encouragement, but she needed him to meet her part of the way.
Debbie was the classic “paycheck to paycheck” spender. She would see a purse that she “had” to have and think nothing about pulling out a credit card and buying it, even if she didn’t know where the money was going to come from. She loved nights out with the girls and traveled frequently. Sometimes when things got too tight, she’d hit up her parents for a loan that somehow never got paid back.
Rick had an impoverished background and had put himself through college by working two jobs. He was proud of the fact that he had not taken out student loans for his education. At age 36, his only loan was a mortgage on a home where the monthly payment was under market rates for a similar rental.
Nevertheless, Debbie and Rick met at a speed dating event. He was drawn to her openness and she liked the fact that he seemed so well put together.
At first, Debbie liked everything about him except that he didn’t seem to want to spend money on her. It made Rick nervous that Debbie seemed to spend money on everything.
Finally, they had a talk about finances. Debbie freely admitted that when one credit card was maxed out, the sensible thing to do was to apply for another. She was stunned to find out that Rick thought a car should be bought with cash, even if it meant waiting six years for a new one.
After “the talk” Rick and Debbie started growing apart. They started noticing other things that they didn’t like in their relationship. The fact was that their spending habits were too different to make a strong relationship work.
Tomorrow's article will pick up on the "sociability issues" in this series of articles on comparability in a romantic relationship but dont wait look at this Free Video about relationship.